I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Life hack
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
good work, detective
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.