Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside