Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My boss called in sick of me
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?