I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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CRYING
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
don’t be scared
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.