Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them