If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Oh my God.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please