I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.