[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder