After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again