WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me