hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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Florida be like…
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.