“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font