Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar