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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol