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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.