Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad