Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?