Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Candles never taste the way they smell
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Your secret is safeish with me
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
got so much cardio in today
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.