I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Message from the dog groomers
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.