BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Breaking news:
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.