Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.