Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.