ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.