the simulation is moving too fast
You Might Also Like
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement