I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.