if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable