Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.