The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.