When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
You Might Also Like
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Meeeee too!
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.