selfie game
You Might Also Like
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.