I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’ve been drinking.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.