*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami