Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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When I snag the last meatball.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.