I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
#catsoftwitter
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Morning.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters