I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
How actors in movies eat their food
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”