When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp