I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.