Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.