Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>