me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.