Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush