The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I鈥檓 willing to risk it.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn鈥檛 as flammable as the last one- please?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: For dinner we鈥檙e having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I鈥檓 married
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Elton John: 馃幍Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday馃幍
Me: Jesus Christ, we鈥檙e just going bowling.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we鈥檙e a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I have a type: disappointing
Waiting for the local donut park to open 馃檪
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I think I鈥檓 finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt鈥檚 so hard to meet people these days
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Saw your ex at the shops