*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Peace was never an option
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach