‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
You Might Also Like
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Livid.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
No, I don’t think I will.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.