Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.