Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Birds & Planes.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.