My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Nothing to do, you say?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence