Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
This one’s “Alex”.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine