I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
You Might Also Like
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.