I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
You Might Also Like
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals